Many American Asian Women Don’t Marry Asian Men. Why?

I first noticed this a few years after working at an Asian company.  All of my Asian women co-workers were/are married to non-Asian men, but all my Asian men co-workers were/are married to Asian women.  I found it quite surprising, and being pretty close with several of my Asian co-workers, I decided to ask them why it was so.  That said, I also know when to stop prying, as the reaction I got from my co-workers made me feel just as uncomfortable as they must have felt.  You see, I’ve made pacts with my co-workers to be open and ask me anything about my culture, and in turn, I would be able to ask them anything about theirs.  I can’t say I blame them.  I guess if they asked me a question like, “why do so many black men marry white women” or “why are so many black women single?” I would be slightly uncomfortable.  However, I’d do my best to answer the question, and I have because I have been asked it occasionally.  Actually, I’m so used to reciting it, that it just sort of comes out sporadically even if the conversation is even barely touching on the subject.  I guess I’ve just come to accept reality 🙂

Still, answers from my co-workers like, “hmm, I haven’t really noticed that,” or “I’m not sure” weren’t/aren’t very satisfying me.  So I will attempt to answer that question from what I’ve observed. That said, I can be wrong as two left shoes, but honestly speaking, I think I’m on the right track.

My office is full of Asian men, and their particular culture is notorious for workaholism.  These guys work tirelessly from dawn til past dusk.  A regular day for these men is coming in the office at 8 a.m., and working 8 hours, not excluding regular duties and breaks like everyone else.  But when people like me are leaving the office at 5:30 p.m., these guys are just getting started.  Matter of fact, they go out for dinner, and come back to the office, to spend another 3 or 4 hours working (usually corresponding with our overseas parent company office).  One young man I know in particular seems like he lives in the office.  And if you can believe it, he’s married.  I could just imagine the emotional and physical alienation that he and his wife must experience in their marriage.  I don’t know how many times I’ve (somewhat) jokingly urged these guys to go home and be with their families, but they just smile and go back to work.  Its a really difficult concept for me, an American, to understand.  But in their culture, any less than what they do, would be shameful.  I can understand suffering shame, so I try to keep that in mind when I get an urge to scold one of them for working so late.  Still, it can’t be easy for wifey.

That is just the culture though.  Another factor that has driven a wedge between Asian men and women in the States is the fact that Asian men are more likely not to change their ways, so when Asian women living in the States discover non-Asian men who work regular hours, can take them out on dates regularly, compliment them, introduce them to their friends and co-workers (as that doesn’t really happen in this particular Asian culture), and basically make them feel like they matter, they are much more likely to go with choice B.  Case in point: when I visited this particular country, I was out having dinner with all of my friends, a good number of them married men around my age, I found out that one of their anniversaries was fast approaching.  When I asked my friend what he’d gotten his wife for a present, he said hadn’t, and when I tried to help him think of something to buy for her, he just stared blankly and stated that he had no idea what she liked or what she wanted because they never talked.   😯   I couldn’t believe it, but I was later told by another friend that saw my surprised reaction that it is normal in their culture not to talk to each other.

That’s not to say that there are not couples from there that are not in love and don’t converse.  You will always have lovebirds anywhere you go, but on the whole, marriage in that country seems to be more of a mechanical necessity devoid of any real emotional attachment.  No wonder the birthrate is so low.  When people aren’t in love, they’re not having sex.  When people don’t have sex, they don’t have babies.

So yeah, my theory is that many Asian women probably feel that the grass in greener in dating/marrying non-Asian men.  So where does that leave black women, who are also being “picked over” by black men?   I don’t think black women would be any more happy being in a relationship with an Asian man who doesn’t seem to cherish her.   Perhaps the key market for us sistas is Americanized /Westernized Asian men?  Yep, I’m thinkin’ so…

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About bitofabelly81

Who I am Bitofabelly81 aka boab81, founder of Black Women Love Bi (BWLB): An Asian Men Appreciation Blog Why Because I love Bi/Rain/비/Jung Jihoon. I have never been inspired to start a blog/site for any celebrity/public figure, until I learned about Bi. He is the whole reason this blog exists. If it weren't for him, I would know nothing about the world of K-pop (which I adore), nor would I care. I am also a big fan of Japan and all things Japanese. I strive to feature men of all Asian ethnicities on the blog, but since K-pop and Hallyu are very popular, this blog has a tendency to lean more towards features on Korean men. Follow me on Twitter blackwomenloveb Find BWLB on Facebook here Wanna drop me a tip? Wanna say hi? Wanna say anything? Email me at bitofabelly81@gmail.com

36 thoughts on “Many American Asian Women Don’t Marry Asian Men. Why?

  1. I am not sure how accurate this is, but I read somewhere that traditional Asian parents may at times “encourage” their daughters to marry Caucasian men, as the belief is a better life may be provided their daugthers if they just must marry outside of their culture. I do believe what you say about the workaholism. I work on a college campus and one of the professors is Chinese and each year he goes back home to his native China and brings new students to study here. They do research from the crack of dawn until after quitting time, which is 5:00 pm for me. Yes, I think in the Asian culture no matter if you are Korean, Japanese, Chinese, etc. if you “shame the family” that’s your @ss, Jack! You can’t be lackluster in your work ethic.

    The part about them not sharing the usual day-to-day intimacies that most American couples do, is not hard to believe. Another Asian professor on our campus, was walking to the student bookstore with his wife walking a few steps behind him. He ran into a colleague and spoke very friendly like. The colleague was waiting for him to introduce the young Asian woman standing behind him and he did like an “oh by the way” this is my wife. He didn’t hold her close, squeeze her around the waist, etc. like any proud husband would do. It was like she was just another colleague too and not his wife who had just had a child for him.

    Some Asian men can seem “cold” and I don’t want to insult anyone, by saying that is the “rule”. Ji-Hoon, however, does not seem this way at all. As a matter of fact, I think he goes out of his way to hold back how he may truly feel in certain situations, because of his culture. However, he is world traveled so he is exposed to the different norms of other cultures. I can see it in his interviews with North American journalists vs. Asian (Korean) journalists. There is a certain demeanor he has when answering questions for Asian journalists vs. American journalists.
    I don’t think I can answer your question why Asian women don’t marry Asian men, but I do know because of this issue the door to BLASIAN LOVE between Asian men and Black women has now been born. If I was not already married, this is definitely a door I would be willing to crack wide open!

  2. wtf?? lol I love how this article is about “Asian” men as if they are all one homogenous unit. Highlights:

    “The FACT that Asian men are less likely to change.” -Oh well if it’s fact…

    “But in their culture, any less than what they do, would be shameful.” -Really where did you get your anthropology degree?

    The best part though is when you say Asian women are surprised to find that westerners “make them feel like they matter” as opposed to their Asian counterparts, and therefore a non-Asian male is an OBVIOUS choice. WTF!

    Never read so much racist bullshit in my life, and I’ll be sure to link you.

    Good luck at your company by the way, I’m sure all your Asian coworkers find your theories just delightful.

    • Kei: thanks for your comment and welcome! I do have to admit, though, that this is the first time I’ve been called a “racist”, and even more amusing I’m being called a “racist” of Asian men when this blog is clearly dedicated to them. These are just my views, my opinions, and I certainly don’t claim to be an expert. My co-workers love me, because I am one of very few Westerners that strives to understand them, their culture and their language.

      I am glad I got at least one comment on this post! Its been up for a while and I was wondering if people were even seeing it!

      • @Kei: one more thing…about your comment that I lump all Asians together as though they are homogeneous. I purposefully use the term “Asians” so as not to point out the nationality that I’m really referring to. The particular Asian nationality that I am referring to is homogeneous, but I could understand that it may appear as something else if one doesn’t know my motives in using the term…

      • You’re not racist, your comments are. Yes, when you suggest that an ENTIRE continent of men are workaholic, cold-hearted, romantic failures who can’t measure up in affection/kindness to westerners, that is RACIST, no matter how much you love Rain’s abs.

  3. @Kei: my post never suggested an ENTIRE continent of men were that way (although as stated in my comment above, I could understand how using “Asian” to refer to this nationality would be confusing). As a matter of fact, I referred to a particular “country” and “culture” without naming it. I, and I’m sure you too, know the difference between a country and a continent.

    The proof is in the pudding. The women of this nationality that have moved to the States unmarried, usually end up marrying men who are NOT of this culture. Its just an aspect of their culture that is not pretty. Every culture has characteristics that they are not proud of. Same with the African-American culture…we SUCK at understanding and accepting each other…hence the high occurences of black men marrying white, or non-black women. Unfortunately, it is what it is…

  4. You mean Korea? Yeah generalizing a culture and a continent is two equally screwed up problems. And now I’m not sure what this post is about at all. At first I thought it was just a bunch of generalizations about an innocent question, and then you go and say things like Korean women who come to America and don’t marry Korean guys is an aspect of the culture that “isn’t pretty.” And you compare it to black people marrying other races like it’s a problem? Are you against inter-racial marriage? Why would you say that?

    • Woooooow, uhm, actually, I never named the nationality….you did. The post is my thoughts on why I think women from this particular Asian country (who come to the U.S.) end up marrying men who are not from that country. You went off on another tangent about my generalizing all Asians. And then I tactfully brought it back to the whole point I was trying to make in the first place.

      I can totally understand why using the term “Asians” when I’m referring to specific nationality can be confusing, and I can put a disclaimer at the top of this article so that it is understood. Lol, and uhm here’s something to chew on: if I were against interracial marriage, why would I be maintaining a blog such as this? Please try considering the context of my blog before ranting that my thoughts/comments are racist.

  5. Yeah you’re really tactful. Just explain the “it’s a part of their culture that’s not pretty” comment. What’s ugly about a (secret un-named Asian country’s) woman marrying outsider her nationality?
    If you post stuff that’s sensitive like this, expect to get some rants.

    • I would like to say that we disagree opinion-wise, but I don’t think we are even on the same page.
      My post is pretty thorough as to why I feel this way, so I’m not gonna put any more energy into this. Have a nice day! 🙂

  6. the blogger clearly mentioned that these were her opinions…she said she works at an asian company where she’s had opportunity not only to observe her coworkers firsthand, but respectfully inquire about particular things she doesn’t understand but wants to understand. she said she also visited the particular country where her company is based and has made friends over there, to whom she’s also talked with extensively. to me, sounds like she’s given this a lot of thought based on the info given her. The post never stated ALL asian men or women or westerners feel this way.

    it’s no secret that asian women are marrying outside their race at a faster pace than asian men, and it is the same with black men marrying other races more often than black women. in fact, there was a diagram in the NY Times today detailing the results of a study done about it. (here’s the link to the diagram: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/01/29/us/20110130mixedrace.html?ref=us …btw, the creator of the graphic is named ‘Haeyoun Park’…korean?) it specifically mentions that very fact. various media have written about the low birthrate in some asian countries. more asian women are either not marrying men within those countries and not having kids, or they are leaving those countries to marry and start families elsewhere. i’m sure there’s a myriad of complex reasons why…or it may be very simple…the blogger was simply posting her thoughts based on what she has seen and heard from her asian friends firsthand.

    the ugly truth is not the resulting IR marriages. it would be great if people married whomever they wanted, across the board. but if a person rules out his/her own or another race just because of the negative stereotypes about them, that’s what’s not pretty.

    it’s a fact that culture influences the behavior of people in a certain area, and when there’s a lack of dialog and understanding, different cultures can clash. but i believe this blog is, in the blogger’s small way, a step towards seeking understanding and showing appreciation for asian men as a whole, bi rain in particular. and if that leads to more am/bf or other IR marriages, i for one won’t be mad!

  7. First off, I’m glad that you raised this observation. It truly is a social phenomenon that is occurring but unfortunately, very few official statistics to back it up. But the few that are out there does point to the fact that it is happening at a significant rate as to merits further investigation. Most importantly, the high rate of out-marriage has a negative effect on the Asian American community, just as the high rate of outmarriage by Black men to white women affect their community. All of this is SERIOUS and merits investigation and possible action. Please read my blog after you are done, I’m committed to raising awareness and exploration of this phenomena. After reading Kei’s response, I can see why he is angry. You had your hypothesis and you were harmlessly trying to put 2 and 2 together. And at the same time, even though you are not trying to stereotype Asian men, the context of your post is that Asian men in general may have a behavior that causes for the high rate of interracial marriage amongst Asian women. Although you were only using the men in your office as an example, the fact that you were trying to find a reason for the high rate of out-marriage INFERS that Asian men as a WHOLE may generally act like the ones in your office and therefore CAUSING the Asian women to out-marry. The whole point is that you were trying to understand the dynamics amongst Asian men and women as a whole and therefore you office example can come off as if you are ascribing this to Asian men as a WHOLE.
    But I know that you mean no harm. One problem is that your post hypothesizes that Asian men are engaging in behavior that CAUSES Asian women to out-marry. This is problematic because it takes 2 to tango…can’t just blame them. Another thing to point out is that there must be a distinction made between 1st and 2nd generation Asian Americans….The ones who came to the US at the age of 8 or later tend to hold on to the traditional Asian cultural aspects whereas those who come to the US at a younger age or were born here are assimilated. My interest is in those who have assimilated because they are the future of the Asian American community in the US. Also, you will find that Asian women who are not assimilated tend to be married to White men due to business arrangements; mail order bride services, military involvement in Asia that had created a setting in which GI’s have brought over Asian wives. (This is prevalent with the older generation since military involvement is much less than it was during the Vietname war, Philippines military colonization, etc). Thus we must distinguish amongst Asian women born in Asia and Asian AMERICAN women who were born or assimilated into the American culture. Having said this, AA women mainly out-date or outmarry WHITE men. Let’s not kid outselves, it’s white men and there are specific reasons for this.
    Another thing to point out is that it is very hard for Asian American men to talk about this. Many that I have talked to about this subject don’t see it or is in such denial that they refuse to acknowledge that it is happening. It is hard, especially for guys to admit that their own race or community of women prefer to be with another race. This would be hard for any race of men to swallow, especially for men since they are wired to “protect and get what is theirs.” It means that other guys are more successful than they are at getting women, their women at that. By the way, when I say “their”, I don’t mean that they own AA women, just inferring that they are women of their community. Add in the male ego and it is painful, yet different than if the gender was reversed. But it is happening and it is not a coincidence or just simple “preference”.
    The main reason for this is that Asian women are affected by the same racism against AA men. But you have to add in the dynamics of gender and how AA men have been discriminated against both through race as the perpetual foreigner with all the racist caricatures and traits AND the racist notions of being a MALE of Asian race. In other words, AA men are also discriminated against through a combination of being Asian and a MALE by the prevalence of them as being the weakest amongst all other races of men, being insensitive, lacking affection and emotions with their families, patriarchical like the older generation in Asia, physically small, etc. AA women ascribe to this racist thinking and therefore marry white men at such a high rate. You will also notice that it was just simply a preference to out date any race, why is it predominately White? It isn’t Black, Latino, Native American. And the reasoning that there are more white men doesn’t fly because I’m in LA, where it is at least 45% Latino and the AA women who out-marry or out-date are with white guys. This is also because white men are seen as the basis for an attractive male and have the most power in society. When women choose a mate, they look to marry “UP” and the guys with positions of power and privilege tend to be white, resulting in white men being chosen when they out-date and out-marry. By the way, this is not the case with ALL AA women, but is the main reason for why so many will out-marry or out-date white guys. In short, the question that you ask can begin to be answered by the subscription that AA women to the same racist beliefs against AA men.
    The specifics will continue on my own blog…please check it out and tell me what you think!

  8. “Most importantly, the high rate of out-marriage has a negative effect on the Asian American community, just as the high rate of outmarriage by Black men to white women affect their community. All of this is SERIOUS and merits investigation and possible action.”

    Just a quick question: are you guys also against black women marrying white men and Asian men marrying white women?

    • Not against it at all. Like I had specified in my post, it is the social phenomena (not random cases of Asian American women marrying or dating a white guy, but a SYSTEM) in which specific groups of people have discriminated against others in their own community in the serious human act of starting a family and having children. In my post I refer to Asian American women who discriminate against Asian American men by intentionally choosing white men over them BASED upon racist stereotypes and other racist references. This is not a rant about how it is not ok to date outside your race. There are great relationships between members of 2 different races. But what I have a problem with is that AA women discriminate against AA men based upon stereotypes and other references of prejudice. And white men are the ideal mate which AA women choose to use as a reference point of comparison in which AA men cannot (nor should they) measure up to. I am talking about a social process that is happening in large numbers and affects the identity and lives of AA men, which in turn affects the AA community as a whole. Check out this book titled “Racing Romance, Asian Women and White Men” in which a professor had interviewed and studied AA women who are married to white men and those who choose to only date white men. It is not a mere coincidence when you see large groups of AA men who are single and can’t find partners due to being discriminated against in society. They are not the ones who are lacking and many people blame them as if it is their fault that they are single. It is actually due to what is happening in society today.

  9. “They are not the ones who are lacking and many people blame them as if it is their fault that they are single.”

    Hence the original objections I took to the blog post we’re commenting on.

    • Really? You are going to take this sentence out of context to argue it? Is that how you have a discussion…you cut and paste to make your point? If you are an Asian male and are in denial, it’s all good, but you can’t deny that it is a happening. If you are an Asian female and feel that this is akin to blaming AA women unfairly, deal with it, it’s the truth. Either way, this is why this destructive phenomena is happening and everyone sticks their heads in the sand. Go take a sociology class and maybe you can understand that social processes have explanations, and can be determined to have cause and effect. We as a society would have never progressed past segragation with the logic that you employ. Get a clue, there is still discrimination, Asian Americans are still considered the perpetual foreigner and the community ignores it so that it will continue. To the point where members of the AA community try to assimilate and aspire to be white and lose pride in their identity. Hence AA men are single in large numbers, discriminated by AA women, and allow discrimination to continue.

      • Cut and past to make my point? What’s my point? You summarized why I was angry pretty accurately in your first post but now you seem to have forgotten it. This girl’s blog post made me sick to read. Not as an Asian male, but as a white woman in a relationship with one.

        Thanks for educating me about discrimination though!

      • Ahhh, it all makes sense now. You are a white woman. For this reason, I wouldn’t expect you to understand the asian men and/or black women experience of being sidelined by the opposite sex of their race. You just wouldn’t get it. Which explains why you didn’t understand my responses. You completely miscontrued that I was trying to figure out what this phenomenon was about, and simply trying to get into the head of an Asian woman. But once again, you are a white woman, so you wouldn’t understand. That’s all I’ll say…

      • One more thing: to all the white women that may visit this blog: please do not take offense to my response to Kei. I (as well as asianrevolution) have tried repeatedly to make our point to her concerning this topic, but still she seems in a quandary about this blog/post being racist and disciminatory (even though the blog is dedicated to Asian men). That is not the point of this post.

  10. There is a website which details that statistics of outmarriage amongst US raised Asian Americans. The “US raised” part is most important because they are the ones who are exposed to white western culture, ideals of white beauty and superiority, and assimilation. One startling fact is that 61% of Korean American women marry a white guy. 61%…that is over half with only white..not even other Asians. Something is going on…you can’t deny it. The website is http://www.asian-nation.org/interracial2.shtml. Check it out and see for yourself…

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  12. @boab81
    Maybe we can just agree to disagree and read each other’s blogs? (I’ll try hard to comprehend the wisdom in your posts despite being white and all.)

  13. Interesting. I guess white women don’t have the capacity to understand or empathize. They are inferior to the stereotypically hard-working, more intelligent Asians perhaps? They’ve never experienced being sidelined because clearly all white males want to date white women. I’ll keep this in mind next time I read a post that pigeonholes an entire continent. Time to go back to watching Jersey Shore and brushing my long, blonde hair now.

    I think, bitofabelly, you should have thought perhaps you’d end up stereotyping as soon as the questions you were asking were “uncomfortable”. If I as a white person in America asked you, “Why don’t you marry a black guy?” it would come off as extremely racist. The same goes for these observations by you. An entire continent of people does not fit nicely into the over-working category of men in your one company that employs a very specific kind of men. If they weren’t all similar they wouldn’t be at the company. They’d be backpacking through Europe, working as a kitchen chef, or sitting on their ass doing nothing. It’s also relevant to note that, assuming your company is in America or some other country with primarily white people, the “dating pool” is going to be skewed heavily in favor of white males. The chances are higher of finding a suitable partner in the larger population as opposed to the smaller population of Asian men.

    Having a blog dedicated to Asian men doesn’t exclude you from potentially making racist comments about them.

    • @jackie: that is correct. Empathizing would mean that you would be knowing what the actual experience of an Asian or black person is about (because you’ve lived it); but sympathizing would mean that you would do your best to understand their experience. Two different things. So absolutely, a white woman could sympathize, but not empathize…that said, here is an example of a white man who was eventually able to EMPATHIZE with a black man:
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Like_Me_(film)
      I’d love to hear your thoughts on it…

      Concerning a white person asking me “Why don’t you marry a black guy?”, I have been asked it many times by white people. And I do not consider it racist. My response usually ends up being “I don’t know any men period that interest me, but if I met one that did, and he was interested in me, I’d go for him, black or not black.” I don’t take offense when people of other races ask me questions that baffle them about the black race. I do explain to them that I am only one and can only speak for myself, but I try my best to make it a little clearer for them.

      I’ve already explained to Kei that my usage of the word “Asian” was more of a term to protect the particular nationality that I was referring to, and that it wasn’t to generalize. But I could understand the confusion on that. Thanks for your comment!

  14. Kei, you are open minded enough to date men of all races, I presume, and that is cool. But you need to understand that you can pick ANY race/ethnicity of men that you want because white women are the quintessential ideal figure of beauty in the US, and definitely all of Asia. White men, who have the most power, money, and privilege in the US want you. Men of color try and would love to get with a white woman in a heartbeat, even though most white women wouldn’t waste their time since men of color since they have a lower social status. When I say a lower social status, I mean in a societal sense….they make less money, have lower positions of power, and hence have less confidence, etc. as a GROUP. In fact, they have to aspire to fit in with the white population because you all hold the power as a GROUP in the US.

    For people of color, this constant conflict of having to “be like white” and trying to remain truth and authentic in our community is very hard. They have to always question whether things happen because of their race, and constantly try not to be “that Black woman” (for example) who gets angry and will fit their stereotype and be the representative for other people of their race. White people can be whatever they want…because you all are the norm and the center of US culture. When I said that Asian guys aren’t lacking, I meant that as an individual, we shouldn’t believe that we are “less than”. But in US society, how we are is just not enough. You are with an AA guy, and he has to deal with stereotypes of being emasculated (interestingly, Black women are represented in the media to be overly masculine as women), AA men still carry the stereotype of having small penises which represent being less of a man, emotionless, authoritarian, patriarchical, short, foreign. And these characteristics are what many Asian American women think! Many AA women born and raised in the US outmarry to white with statistics of at least 25% and for Korean American women, 61%. Just white. Thus, AA men are marginalized, made to feel less than even within their own community, and can’t bitch about it because it reinforces the stereotype that they are weak.

    But white people don’t have that problem…you all can have whatever you want and dont’ question your race and how it is not enough. Like I said, all races want white men and women. Black women have a similar struggle, you see Black men who made it go with white women. How does that make Black women feel? That they only deserve the guys who are second tier? Look at all the single parent Black homes…the men statistically don’t leave when they get with white women because they are the ones who may be more responsible and white women are such a coveted “item” that they don’t leave them. Lastly, they did a study at MIT and found that when women do date men of color, they have to make more…Latinos by $77,000, Black men by $154,000, and Asian men by $246,000. Even though when they do date white women, they may not make that much more, this just proves that men of color…people of color have to compensate and are viewed to be less than the white counterparts. I challenge you to do this…go out and see how many Asian men are with white women and how many Asian women are with White men. Look for the same with Black women with white men and Black men with white women. Bottom line is that when you are white, you don’t have to question your identity in the US and you can have what you want dating wise. Of course if a white woman is fatter or uglier, then whiteness is not a cure-all but men of color would still give them more consideration. Asian men and Black women are the least desirable amongst all races due to the stereotypes and images that have saturated the media and our consciousness. I have nothing against white people. But when they aren’t responsible with their privilege, it can be frustrating. I’m glad that you are trying to understand and welcome future dialouge.

  15. BitofaBelly81, I’m thinking that I should write to certain talk shows to see if they would be interested in doing a show on this topic, on both Black women and Asian men, which would give both causes more legitimacy and credibility since racialization and intra-racial discrimination is happening to both communities. You never know what would happen.

  16. I don’t need to “go out and see” how many white women are with Asian men. I can tell from the disgusting racist remarks I receive from Asian women and white men EVERY DAY that it’s not many and it’s something that makes people uncomfortable.

    And I’ve heard everything in the book, from “don’t you want to be with a real man?” to “Ew! I could never date an Asian guy it would be like dating my brother!”

    So…. thanks for the history lesson and the reminder that Americans are still racist. I’d totally forgotten.

  17. Well, since we’re all going purely on observations here, let me state mine.

    From what I OBSERVE, Asian men tend to be against interracial marriage. Most, if not all first generation Asian males I know only want to MARRY another Asian (preferably from the same country since their families tend to have qualms with inter-Asian marriage). Heck, I’ve even encountered many third generation Asian men who can only picture being married to Asians (most AAs despite being in America for so long, tend to still be very culturally Asian, especially those raised in big cities where there is a strong Asian community). The keyword is marriage.

    Yes, I know many Asian men who would LOVE to date a white girl, hispanic girl, and even black girls, because they see them as sexual icons. But when it boils down to it, Asian men tend to have stronger beliefs on marrying in their race. Of course this is pure observation. (Also, from what I saw while in Japan, Japanese men are also just NOT huge on marrying or even dating foreigners. And Koreans? Koreans look down upon marrying a non-Korean, it’s just not a norm, because culturally, it’s not accepted.) Seems like to me, many Asian men make a CONSCIOUS decision NOT to marry a non-Asian. It seems to me, that Asian men also discriminate against other races based on stereotypes. Gee, it seems like Asian men are doing the exact opposite as Asian women.

    Oh my, is there some hypocrisy?

  18. It’s all good. What frustrates me is how even ASIAN WOMEN tell you how it’s bad to date an ASIAN guy. You would never hear a woman of any other race tell you that it’s disgusting to date a guy of their race. As an Asian American male, I am so saddened and mad that women that share the same racializational experiences can do that..they find a way out and are more accepted by the white population due to their feminine/racial niche and turn their backs on their brothers, uncles, fathers, nephews, friends. I didn’t mean to lecture you. Sorry that I offended you. It’s just that so many people in my community deny it that I point out the obvious. I’m glad that you stand your ground regardless of what people say. If he’s the one, these issues will bring you two closer together.

  19. @Lorraine,

    I don’t understand your point. Also, I think that it is only fair to focus on 1.5 generation AA men or later, because the 1st generation are foreign born, raised, with essentialistic Asian ideals. The focus here are Asian Americans who have been acculturated here in the US because we are exploring how assimilation in the US has affected the racial views of Asian Americans. Of course the 1st generation Asians are going to look for partners of their own ethnicities….no Americanized woman would get with an Asian immigrant who speaks little English. This is so for other races as well…you don’t find recent Mexican immigrants getting married with White women due to the language barrier. Back to your comment, how is it hypocritical when an AA male values and sees significance in marrying women of their ethnicity and race? The problem that this blog is exploring is when Asian American women statistically prefer and marry only white and how Black women face the same problem in their community with Black men going exclusively for white women. The question that I have for you is do you notice AA women (the ones who are Americanized) mainly preferrring white men and your reasoning behind it. By the way, check out http://www.asian-nation.org and you will see statistics about AA women going for white guys at 25% to a whopping 61% for Korean American women. The problem is not interracial marriage, but as a group, AA women choose white men over other races, including their own. Discrimination? Shame of Asian American identity? Marrying into social status and hence seeing no significance in their Asian identity? Making “beautiful babies?”

  20. @asianrev

    So… I think you understand now why I got so angry at this original post. Listening to someone say that as an observer, Asian men seem like cold-hearted workaholic machines so that must be why their women flee to white men- made me ill. Granted, she wasn’t as outright rude (at least in the beginning) as some of the things I’ve experienced, but still.

    The kind of stereotypes she suggested give LEGITIMACY to every Asian American girl who has ever looked down on me for being with my boyfriend. I’ve had girls say things like “if you marry him, you’d better learn how to cook and cut fruit” and “you might want to invest in a good vibrator because he won’t be able to give you what you need.” And you know who loves to propagate those stereotypes the most? White men. Who objectify the F=== out of me and say straight to my face that they “know” my boyfriend isn’t enough for me sexually. They “know” his dick is too small, etc. because their Asian girlfriend told them so.

    Then again, I am white, so I’m probably misunderstanding this whole situation. It is REALLY hard for us white women to grasp basic social concepts day to day. Plus, we “can have anything we want,” and life is a breeze, so this probably isn’t that big a problem.

  21. I think that you understand the issues more than most people and you care, which is cool. Strictly my opinion: generally speaking, AA girls are the worst, they will make up and reinforce the stereotypes that may occur in the Asian countries but definitely not amongst Americanized Asian men. The ironic thing is that I talk to white guys who talk about how Asians girls are easy “bangs” and are the ones who want their Asian girlfriends to cook, clean, cater to them like the stereotypes dictate. These AA girls don’t realize that when they spread these false stereotypes, they are talking about their brothers, nephews, friends and because of that, they have a HARD time getting girlfriends. The logic that they operate on is contradictory because it assumes that AA men don’t become westernized and assimilated and therefore will beat their wives, be patriarchical, etc. If that is true, then the AA girls should want to be domesticated, subservient, and hypersexualized in the bedroom. Based upon their logic, AA women wouldn’t assimilate either and be like the women back in the East! It hurts me to read that THEY say these things to you….they are doing what Americans have fought against to get women equal rights and end segregation in the US. They do this because they do have it good…since Hollywood have created the image of hypersexual AA dragonladies who are a great bang and does not have the ghetto attributes of other racial minorities, they have benefited from the acceptance. They are a “hot” item amongst white men who can’t handle the independence of white women, want a quick romp, or can’t get women and go for AA women who sacrifice their identity and integrity to win white acceptance and the privileges that it comes with. It is so vile that AA women would enact the discrimination that others had fought so hard to give THEM the freedom that they enjoy. They would spout these vile lies to hide the fact that they are not proud of their racial/ethnic identity and that they want to enjoy white privilege through association.

    Anyways, I know that white people don’t have all that they want just because they have white privilege. It does differentiate your experiences from racial minorities. Keep in mind that the concepts I talk about are regarding groups, not individuals, so none of what I say is a personal attack. Although everyone around you will bash on the fact that you are with an Asian guy, I commend your open mindedness and hope that you don’t let all the racism affect your relationship.

  22. Wow. I stumbled onto this blog and the comments are just…hmmm. Well, can I just say as a BLACK woman engaged to a Chinese male that every single point made on this thread is correct? Seriously?

    I’ve seen and heard both sides of the issue, from Black men being down right rude about my dating preferences to Asians (yes, I said ASIANS because it’s not just the Chinese) being insulting to me and my fiance. It happens on both sides, and neither side is going to play the pity party of: “Oh but it’s (insert gender here) that’s causing the problems, not (insert opposite gender here).”

    Men of every race (from white to black to asian to hispanic, etc) objectify their females, and their females long for something different (this is a BROAD statement). Every race tells it’s males or females, don’t do this and don’t do that, mostly to maintain a status quo and mostly out of fear and mistrust. So neither argument is correct, but on the flipside neither argument is incorrect.

    I can understand the OP’s statements more so than those of Kei’s, but not because I’m a Black woman, but because while I am militant about some things, I understand contaxt and keeping things in perspective. I also understand the concept of general statements and understand to not take everything at face value. So, I get what the OP was saying and do think that you, Kei, should’ve re-read the article before jumping to conclusions. The OP did try and backtrack, did try to explain her statements, and you went on the offensive. I understand why you would, it’s irritating that general statements like those exist, but you’ve got a man that doesn’t fit the mould and, therefore, you should understand that the article wasn’t directed at him.

    At theasianrevolution, I hear your side of the argument, but – if I may? You statements, while providing statistical data, reek of bitterness and anger. I can understand the anger, but still… Statistics can be skewed to further the aims of the majority, and I’ve heard numerous Asian women complain that Asian men only want white girls/women, don’t want to date Asian women, etc, etc. Every argument you use against Asian women, I’ve heard used against Asian Men. It’s a neverending, vicious cycle and no one’s going to win with the blame game that’s being played.

    From my point of view, I can agree with the OP because – in MY PERSONAL OBSERVATION – my fiance works himself RAW because that was just the way he was raised. He recently went to the hospital because of exhaustion, poor eating and stress and yet he still wants to get up, go to work at his parent’s restaurant, then onto a second job at another restaurant and then take on small tasks for his brother who’s a real estate agent and then atten college full time for musical engineering. Whew! And in the Chinese community that I’ve seen in my neck of the woods that seems to be the norm for most of the guys. It’s not like the fiance doesn’t have fun or find time to, but he works and works HARD.

    BUT, this isn’t true for all Chinese, just the ones where *I* come from.

    And as I’ve stated many things can be true of members of all races. My dad is incredibly hardworking, almost to the point where I have to force him to get some sleep if he’s working on a particularly trying project.

    So, all statements are true on all sides, but I do think that the CONTEXT of this blog should’ve been the key to the OP’s true thoughts and not just the OPINIONS (which are NOT facts, btw, so don’t attack her as if they were) that she stated.

    That is all.

  23. Disagree. The context of this blog should in no way excuse insinuations that Asian men lack basic relationship skills which causes their women to run from them. Hello?

    Furthermore, for as many Asian women who don’t date Asian men, there are those that don’t intermarry and accuse me of “stealing their men” and whatnot. They’re just less vocal because they’re more overtly racist, whereas an Asian woman dating a white guy can make all kinds of racist comments about their own men and then say, “how can you accuse me of being racist?? I’m attracted to white guys!”

    “you’ve got a man that doesn’t fit the mould and, therefore, you should understand that the article wasn’t directed at him.”

    Why don’t you tell me more about this “mould” that most but not all Asian men fit, as if I somehow found the only normal Asian guy on the planet. Do you hear how racist and screwed up that sounds?

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